love. at first sight. and the man who broke my heart.

i cried in church this week. and unfortunately these tears were not the nice warm jesus-makes-me-feel-good kind of tears. i cried instead out of sheer frustration. some of you may know the feeling. where you look around at others standing neatly in rows of pews and wonder if church as we know it now is what it was intended to be. i don’t know… maybe it was because i have spent time dwelling in first john for a spell…(you know the oft-quoted section on loving others that we all have memories of from sunday school…”my little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.” 1 john 3:18.) and i have really been questioning the Lord on what that means for my life. and how i spend my energy and time and resources.

but…the verses previous to that one have absolutely wrecked me this week…

1 john 3:16 – “by this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart fom him, how does the love of God abide in him?”

a while back i had this patient at the hospital who was given a really dismal prognosis. there really was not much that the doctors could do for him and when it came time for me to discharge him at the end of his stay, i was sending him home with an understanding that he was just going gradually move into a steady decline…and die. pretty slowly. and he knew that.

all day long we had joked and talked a bit, but i was busy with other patients and did not have time to sit and process the situation with him. he kept making jokes about having me come take care of him at his house…and i would just laugh and tell him he was being ridiculous. he was a big tuff gruff kind of guy… appearing to be quite nonchalant and just shrugged and made sarcastic comments while talking with the doctors…but as i walked him down to the front entrance of the hospital and sat with him while he waited for his taxi, he got real quiet. this man who had not batted so much as an eyelash when the doctor told him he did not have long to live looked at me as huge tears started rolling down his cheeks and said in a whisper i could barely decipher…”i am so afraid to die alone. i have no one.”…and as i listened i realized that i have never seen anyone as shaken by fear as he was in that moment walking out the door…it was one of those spaces when all time seems to stop…all the chaotic movement and hospital busyness and bustle faded to gray stillness and all i sensed was the raw fear. loneliness. and hopelessness in his voice.

and i wish i could say something like how i suddenly preached a great post-modern relevant rendition of the romans road gospel and that he fell to his knees with a vision of God before him…but instead i think i muttered some lame-o question about him going to church and he just looked at me blankly. and then his taxi was outside the door, the driver honking with impatience and he turned his back, shouldered his duffle and shuffled out the revolving door. leaving me standing there watching. while busy stressed people rushed in and out around me. and i just stood there. like a sleepwalker slowly coming out of a foggy daze wondering what just happened. and then i wept. i wept because my heart had been so shut to him. because i realized that if the love of God had dwelt in me, it should have flowed into him in that frozen moment. i wept as that verse in 1 john circled over and over in my head…”do not love in word but in deed…whoever shuts up his heart to his brother in need…there the love of God cannot, does not abide…” i wept because i let him walk in and out of my life and had no idea how to even begin laying down my life for him. i wept because i am so tired of mumbling nice cliche little prayers in a pathetic effort to maybe help make someone feel a little happier for approximately 10-15 seconds…when what they really need to is to experience a God and a community where love is expressed by others laying down their very lives…

if God really meant what He said in 1 john…then i have so many things that need to change in my own heart. if those words from Him define how love should look…then i really have no concept of what loving people really means. i long to be able to love the way that Jesus does. at first sight. not as an awful afterthought as someone walks out the door in front of me to go home to die alone.

the look in that man’s eyes is seared deeply in my soul. he broke my heart. and awakened my heart. and that awakening changed me. into a desperate girl wildly throwing myself at the feet of Jesus. asking for mercy and asking Him to never let my heart stay shut again.

my sister’s wedding.

for some odd reason, thoughts just come out better when i blog. don’t ask me why. i really don’t know or even pretend to understand…but they do. so for whatever reason…i will be blogging my “maid of honor” speech for my best friend’s wedding. i kind of feel like a toddler trying to fit handfuls of popcorn in my mouth or a family of 7 trying to fit everything for vacation in the minivan-because everything i want to say simply just won’t fit in…weddings are kind of a big deal. and i think that i am discovering that it is the best thing and the worst thing when those closest to you have one.

in our culture it is quite normal to expect that in a few shorts seconds, with some select words, tilt of a champagne glass, several token tears, & an effort to elicit a courtesy chuckle or two; you can wish your kindred good luck and cheers to a nice life. sure i have funny stories about maggi, enough to write a book about-mudfights in our swamp, hours of make-believe and dress-up, late night laughter and early morning spats…i have been privileged to have a front row seat in watching a metamorphosis. of this gangley insecure tomboy with short spikey hair and attitude into a breathtakingly beautiful woman of deep character, endless love and compassion, generosity that could shame the wealthy of the world, and a laugh that warms even the hardest of hearts…

i have never seen maggi respond to anyone the way that she responds to mark…he has the ability to draw out the deep things in her…while at the same time, celebrating the spontaneous joy that is such a part of her. i have seen the stability, security, and affirmation that he brings her…she is a different woman, a better woman, a stronger woman, with more freedom, more life, and more peace because of his presence…and i trust her with him. because he knows her. he knows how to cherish her. challenge her. lead her. release her. teach her. love her. lavish her. pursue her. i could not have chosen a better addition to our family, and trust me…our family is picky…to say the least.

but somehow cute little anecdote lines don’t seem quite sufficient. my sister-our sister-my brother-our brother-our son-our daughter-our friend-our loved ones are entering the biggest commitment they will ever make. a worship song that i love has a chorus that simply says, “it’s all about love love love”…and scripture talks repeatedly about the power of love…and how marriage and love here on earth exist for us to begin to understand the mystery of our relationship with God.

a well-wishing toast seems quite insufficient in my mind…from us who surround them and who today are agreeing to witness and support this covanent relationship that has just begun…or to affirm this holy passionate pursuit of life-long love…for each other…and for the Lord…

so, if you are willing, i would like to invite you, to not just toast mark and maggi…but to stand with me and speak blessing…speak life…speak promise…speak a declaration of celebration over them…

in jewish tradition there is a specific blessing that is spoken over the bride and groom at every wedding. the “sheva brachot” is actually seven blessings that are recited several times-once during the ceremony and once during the reception with glasses of wine-as a celebration and declaration-

Båruch Atå Adonoy
Eloheinu Melech hå’olåm,

Sheh’hakol bårå lich’vodo.

“Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe,
Who has created everything for His glory.

Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe,
Who fashioned the Man.

Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, Who fashioned the Man
in His image, in the image of his likeness and prepared for him – for himself
– a building for eternity. Blessed are You, Lord, Who fashioned the Man.

Bring intense joy and exultation to the barren one through
the ingathering of her children amidst her in gladness.
Blessed are You, Lord, Who gladdens Zion through her children.

Gladden the beloved companions as You gladdened
Your creature in the Garden of Eden from aforetime.
Blessed are You, Lord, Who gladdens groom and bride.

Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, Who created joy and
gladness, groom and bride, mirth, glad song, pleasure, delight, love, brotherhood,
peace, and companionship. Lord our God, let there soon be heard in the
cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem the sound of joy and the sound of
gladness, the voice of the groom and the voice of the bride, the sound of the
grooms’ jubilance from their canopies and of the youths from their song-filled
feasts. Blessed are You, Lord, Who gladdens the groom with the bride.

Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe,
Who creates the fruit of the vine.”

jesus on my train.

i have not felt God in a long time. i know that He is real…i have not stopped believing in the truth that He is present…i just have not felt His nearness…but i felt it today. i think more transcendently than i used to believe possible. and it was not at church or at a prayer meeting or worship gathering or outreach event…no. jesus sat next to me on my train.

somewhat irresponsibly i spontaneously jumped on a train to chicago today. sparked in part by hounding frustration with feeling stuck in a “funk” and this subtle but ceaseless feeling of disappointment…with myself, with others…with God maybe too, i just decided i needed to be around a dear friend. so i went. to just be. with her and around her for the day.

we talked a lot. about life. and how it’s so much harder than we ever thought it would be. and how we feel like our expectations for where we wanted to go and what we wanted to do have looked so different…and distant from what and where we dreamed.

i got back on my train to head home and felt better…but i guess just resigned. to the fact that life was going to be hard…and that i just needed to toughen up…get with the program…deal with it.

i think that i have this preconceived notion that God has a lot of expectations of me. and that He is mostly disappointed in me because i mostly let down those expectations i assume He possesses…

my mom had given me this book to read called “the shack”. to be honest…i thought it sounded dumb…but before i left, something prompted me to grab it and bring it along for the day…and so instead of wallowing in all those thoughts…i started reading. and as i read, jesus sat down next to me. so real and so near that i could almost touch Him. smell Him. bump His knee with my elbow. and He started talking. and our conversation went something like this…

“stop trying to taking my job.” He said those words so clearly that i stopped and almost snorted out-loud thinking…”seriously jesus…like i would try to usurp the Creator of the universe. funny funny.” but He said it again…even stronger. “stop trying to take my job…stop trying to be the fixer; and fix things only i can remedy. stop trying to be the judge; of yourself…of others…of Me, only i can judge hearts”…and i realized that i had been. trying to fix my own heart. after judging my own heart. and i realized that i had been trying carrying the weight of the world all on my own…all the pain. and brokenness. and hopelessness. and complacency. and hypocrisy. and that fixing those things were really His job…not mine.

and as i let myself sink into the realization of that…i also realized that i think i have been praying wrong all these years. and it’s somewhat laughably embarrassing…i have thought for years that God wanted to be one valuable thing in a slew of many or that He wanted to possess the biggest piece of my heart or be one of my top priorities…but actually.  i think that…He really wants ALL of me. He wants to be the only thing…the center of my being…He does not want to be first on my list…He wants to be the center of all of it. i used to pray that He would help me get through my day and i would pray to invite Him into what my plans were and what i was doing…but that is so small in comparison to what He really wants…He wants me to live continuously in Him. AND He wants to continuously and completely dwell inside of me. at all times. i don’t need to invite Him in for special occasions when i can remember to include Him…He doesn’t have a long list of things He expects me to do for Him…no. He desires instead that i would never move apart from Him…a lifestyle of dwelling. abiding. living. breathing. hearing. knowing. being. never leaving.

something the author of this book wrote struck me and i could not move beyond it…he said this. “paradigms power perceptions. and perceptions power emotions…and in essence our emotions are just colors of expression from our souls.” and i realized that is so true in my life. what i believe about something changes and affects how i view it. and how i view and process and understand something shapes how i feel about it. and how i feel about something affects the colors of my life. so for me to believe that God was constantly disappointed in me, created a perception of Him constantly judging…which in turn made me feel full of shame and guilt and that shame muted what were once vibrant colors of emotion…of life abundant.  of hopeful expectation.  of eager child-like faith.  faith that jesus was who He said that He was.

but today…next to me on my train…jesus told me that He doesnt have this check list of expectations for me that He is keeping tally marks on…He just desires that i would constantly abide in Him. and for some reason that simple truth profoundly pierced through the impressively thick wall of carefully constructed defenses i had built up around my heart. and it shifted my paradigm. and as my paradigm shifted-my understanding changed-and slowly, hue by hue, my colors began to seep back in. and so i wept. on the train. really loud. with intrusively juicy sniffles. but i didn’t care. because jesus was on my train. and the color of His nearness was brighter than it has ever been.

new normal.

i am moving again this week.  i have lived at home for 11 months now.  that’s the longest that i have physically lived in one spot in over 5 years.  and that feels weird.  i think that i have gotten so used to moving that to stay in one place no longer seems normal.  change has become my new normal.  in some ways that is good…really good.  because i love change.  change keeps me moving…growing…never bored…always learning.  but i think it also carries this underlying unsettledness with it as well…because nothing is quite for sure…nothing is lasting…nothing is guaranteed tomorrow.  and there is also a hint of sadness.  as a constant movement of people fluxes in and out…one season of community ends and another begins…as i am getting ready to move in with my best friend and her family-i am at the same time preparing to move out of the home that i have grown up in…and i am one big tangled mess of excitement and sadness.

reflections on lent.

reliving the passion-walter wangrin jr.-

“in mirrors i see myself. but in mirrors made of glass and silver i never see the whole of myself. i see the me i want to see, and i ignore the rest. mirrors that hide nothing hurt me. they reveal an ugliness i’d rather deny…the passion of Christ, His sufferings and His death, is such a mirror…it is my self in my extremest truth. my sinful self. the death He died reflects a selfishness so extreme that by it i was divorced from God and life and light completely; i raised my self higher than God. but because the Lord God is the only true God, my pride did no more, in the end, than to condemn this false god of my self to death. so that’s what i see reflected in the mirror of Christ’s crucifixion: my death. my rightful punishment…nevertheless, i will not avoid this mirror! no i will carefully rehearse, again this year, the passion of my Jesus-with courage, with clarity and faith; for this is the mirror of dangerous grace, purging more purely than any other…this mirror is not passive only, showing what is; it is active , creating new things to be. it shows me a new me behind the shadow of a sinner. for when i gaze at His crucifixion, i see my death indeed-but my death done! His death is the death of the seflish one, whom i called ugly and hated to look upon. and resurrection is another me.”

i am a nurse.

that’s a montra i repeat continuously these days. you would think that after 6 months of working as one, i would kind of feel somewhat connected with that fact…but such is not the case…i say it over and over to remind myself of the reality that i did indeed attend college for 5 years, studying this thing that threatens to steal any ounce of self-confidence that i might still have hanging around (which is not much, i might add, after the past months).

and it’s probably the most stressful thing i have ever chosen to do. it is so much harder than i ever anticipated. perhaps i didn’t really know what to expect in the first place. but it’s whipping me into shape. so a logical conclusion would be that it is good for me and that it is building character. i am in an environment that is so not comfortable or natural for me. i am learning how to handle high levels of stress, how to prioritize in a crisis situation, how to think critically and assess accurately under pressure, and really how to be responsible for people’s lives…stuff that seems way beyond me.

i could tell you countless stories about crazy situations and really crazy people…watching someone die and come back to life…watching someone die and not come back…praying with someone just diagnosed with cancer…watching drug dealers sneak out and escape from the police…talking with homeless men, prostitutes, retired priests and gospel singers and professional boxers…hearing stories everyday from my patients lives…some in hopeless situations, some killing themselves while stuck in addiction to drugs, alchohol, eating disorders…some whose lives are ending, some facing a prognosis of 6 months left to live, some who are healed and finally have hope again, some who are dying alone with no family, some going through hell, some getting ready for heaven, some who want to dance the polka with me down the hospital hallway, some who i cry with, some who i laugh with, some who i want to yell at, some who i don’t understand and probably never will.

here is what i really want. somehow i want to be able to express who i know Jesus to be to all these people. the thing that i wrestle with every day is how to make that happen. how to bring the hope and healing and peace of the Kingdom of God into the life of every patient that i touch. i am surrounded every day by people who are in the middle of crisis. and everyday i wonder what it would look like for me to offer them Jesus as well as their hydrochlorothiazide and metoprolol and thymoglobulin. and i so don’t have it figured out. i guess that is probably what i am there for. because if i can’t learn how to walk in the truth of who i know my God to be there…in the midst of chaos and hopelessness and stress and sickness and crisis…than what good is it?

i feel like i have been really silent lately (as evidenced by the lack of updates since…oh. the past 3 months.) maybe because i am trying to figure all this out.

“hallelujah. hallelujah. you’ll make all things new. in just a matter of time, you’re gonna turn it all around. i believe you will come. like the rain.” -misty edwards-

homeschooler.

so i have doing a lot of comtemplative reflection on the foundations of my childhood lately.  and this little clip seems to so poetically explain a lot of why i am the way that i am today…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VM6uqj0_jQc

hope you enjoy.  i sure did.

“diary of an old soul”

“All winged things come from the waters first; Airward still many a one from the water springs

In dens and caves wind-loving things are nursed: I lie like unhatched bird, upfolded, dumb, While all the air is trembling with the hum, Of songs and beating hearts and whirring wings, That call my slumbering life to wake to happy things…

And when that will shall blossom-then, my God, There will be jubilation in a world!

The glad lark, soaring heavenward from the sod, Up the swift spiral of its own song whirled, Never such jubilation wild out-poured

As from my soul will break at thy feet, Lord, Like a great tide from sea-heart shoreward hurled.”

-george macdonald-diary of an old soul-

closer to the burning.

“so many things i don’t understand…Your mystery is calling to me…calling to me again. 

wave after wave of Your glory…crashes into me.  You are the everlasting God.  no beginning, no end, eternity. 

Still the more that i know that i know about You, the less i comprehend. ’til in the likeness of a child, i come running unto You. i come running unto You.

You turn these charcoal eyes into a diamond sea.  the mondane everyday, gives up its’ secrecy.  You set my feet upon, a path of discovery…now i see.  Your wonder is all around me.”

-closer to the burning-stephen roach-”diamond sea”

alice.

i crashed a prayer meeting of old women this week.  and it was one of the best accidental hours i have experienced.  as i knelt and listened to the prayers of these 80-something, fire-breathing women, i was overwhelmed. 

with a sense of hope…as these women stormed the gates of hell and petitioned the Lord to bring redemption to our city and to the church, i could almost visably see the Lord moving heaven and earth on their behalf.  authority seemed to flow so thick from their lips that i could almost taste it.  as i listened, i began to hope with strength and conviction like never before that God was doing it.  He was going to bring healing and redemption and repentence and salvation.  He would answer.  their prayers moved the heart of God.  and they knew it.  i walked away knowing that that accidental hour had changed eternity and that my generation, the city, and the church would not be the same.  isn’t that how prayer should always be?

with a sense of treading on holy ground…and my only response was to fall weeping to my knees…honored to be able to make a few swings of the sword with these women who have been praying faithfully before i was even a twinkle in my father’s eye.  they prayed scripture like it was engraved on the backs of their eyelids…

with a sense of desire…i wanted to be like alice.  84 years old and crying out for the Lord to wake up the church.  84 years old and begging the Lord to come.  84 years old and repenting on behalf of the church.  84 years old and not carrying even a hint of doubt that God was coming and God was answering…ever after a lifetime of prayer….84 years old and still her voice echos in the heavnenlies…never resting…never ceasing until His Kingdom comes…i decided that i want to be like her when i grow up. 

“these light afflictions that we bear, cannot compare to the promise that You gave.  therefore, we don’t look at what we see.  we gaze beyond in hope, expectantly.  You are faithful to complete this work You began…

over the horizon, the darkest clouds are breaking…                                                                     the Sun of Righeousness is rising!  with healing in His wings…

Your favor rest upon us like a morning dew, settling on everyone who chases after You.  You are changing us into the image of Your Son.  Leading us onward until the work is done.”

~stephan roach~closer to the burning~ (my new favorite worship leader)